NOV 3 2020
I have realized I crave growing and learning in life.
I don’t wanna know what it’s like to be broke and have nothing anymore.
I know what that is like and I’ve learned all the lessons and searched all the corners in the room, but I need to learn the new room now.
If I come back to this room I will discover new things in the. But I need new glasses on to see this room.
I need self-love. I do not have self-love anymore. I don’t love myself anymore therefore I can’t give amount of love I used to or that i recive.
I am dead inside.I do not feel any pulse anymore.
I don’t know if I am lost and sad or if I am happy and satisfied. I don’t know what I am doing or what I am working towards. I don’t know what I want or what to do. I don’t know how I feel about moving or staying here or being a stylist or not finishing high school or doing school. I have no clue how I feel about things and what I am supposed to do. I don’t know if I even see myself in the future, I do not feel like living, I don’t like being alive, I do not enjoy the difficulties of working towards something I don’t even want.
I understand that life is a struggle but I do not want to struggle or to feel pain anymore. I want it to stop, but it can only stop if I die. If any higher god is reading this or listening to my mind… if there is anyone who needs to die please take me, I have done enough for this world. I have learned the lessons and I have survived them. But I want someone else to take my place in the world. I do not need to live anymore. So if I die I don’t want anyone to feel pain or sorry for me. Because I am in a better place now ,I am happy and free of pain. I will watch over everyone and make the best of the world for them.
My mom is my best friend she’s my absolute favorite person I would live in a world where only she is, I want her to have everything she wants and deserves, I love her, she has given me everything I have and more.
My brother is kind but I am not kind to him but I don’t know why , and I am sorry for being mean . I want him to know that I love him and that I want to give him the world and that I am very sorry for hurting him so many times. I don’t have any excuses for it.
My dad I know, he works hard and tries to hold it up and I do want him to find inner peace and all the outside problems to be solved, I’m sorry for also being complicated and that I am causing problems sometimes. I am sorry.
Nothing makes me happy anymore, not even him my love, tv, food, baking, working out, getting dressed up, music, shopping, Thailand, my future… nothing.
I can’t see the beauty in things anymore I can’t romanticize things anymore not even my future, I can’t see the fun of being In it.
/ All love Tindra Blomquist